Letters to Adrian: #1

An innocent victim of your malicious ways

Dear Adrian,

Hello, I am N.H. Goose. I am writing to you about your frequent mauling of me and my friends. These incidents began last January, when you attacked my friend B.(Bacon) Bone. There you were, a savage, huge, monster black as the pit of Tartarus, with gashing, wrenching teeth and savage claws and talons the size of swords. My friend fought bravely and, by the skin of his teeth, survived. Next to fall prey to your malice was my friend P. T. (Purple Tennis) Balls. Then another and another! You were unstoppable! Then, you attacked me. I was just a little milquetoast, mawkish, bystander then. I had done nothing to you.

See? Evil, fiendish, horrendous brute!

But you, you hell-hound, you freakish nightmare, you baby-killer, you didn't care. You mauled me, you tore at me, you bit my tail! And see? Look at the damage you have caused me. My neck has been cut, my stuffing is flying out, and your caretaker--who is as bad, if not worse, than you--has removed my vocal cords! And now he says he cannot find them! My vocal cords are not something to just be lost like a TV remote control!  And this is all because of you. You insolent brute, you wolf, you!
So, you have forced my hand. I am suing you for $100,000 general damages, as well as
$1 million punitive damages. See you in court!
 Regards,
Nearly Headless Goose

Letters from Adrian: #1

Me meditating in my bed

Dear Dash,

Lately you and your mother have decided to make me a schedule. You of course have not consulted me, the sole person to feel the monumentous impact of this on my lifestyle. Therefore, I have spent long hours at work meditating in my bed to find the perfect schedule. Here it is:

10:00 AM: Wake up. Of course, this is not rigid, and will be changed to my needs.
10:15 AM: Eat. The DOG ( Diet Order Group) says the suggested amount for a dog my size and age is 5 bowls of chicken and lamb.
10:30 AM: Finish eating. Lie in sun. Also sleep.
11:00 AM: Come in. Get petting session.
11:30 AM: End of petting session. Jump in bed. Sit and stare mournfully at you for not getting more food and longer petting session.
12:00 PM: Go out.
12: 30 PM: Come in.
1:00 PM: Go out.
1:30 PM: Come in.
2:00 PM: Go out.
2:30 PM: Come in.
And so on until:
6: 30 PM: Clamor for walk.
7:00 PM: Go for walk.
7:00 PM - 7:40 PM: Happily mark territory and sniff every single little atom of object I can get to.
7: 40 PM: Come back home. Run around in the back yard, then collapse in bed and mournfully look at you and wonder whose idea the walk was anyway.
7:50 PM: Sleep.
Repeat.

Please take note and execute accordingly, and also realize the sacrifices I have to make for you. Yes, I almost starve and never get any love from you, but still I hang on faithfully. Woe is me.

Love,
Adrian