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Thursday, August 29, 2013

Adrian's Pointers on getting petting and love

Hello. I am Adrian. I have had 6 long months of experience in manipulating humans' emotions to get petting. This guide will help you do so too in 7 simple steps.


1. Look sad. This manipulates your caregiver to sympathize with you, obtaining a resulting higher level of petting and love.

An example picture:
Make sure to twitch your eyebrows for best effects.


2. Show strategically placed areas of your body. These will give your caregivers the giggles, which will then inspire them to give you petting.

An example picture:
Black Box Underwear; Catering To Your Censoring Needs since 1984!
3. Look like you've been mowed down by a tank. See 2.
 
An example picture:
-
This happened in World War II.


4.  Look like a black bean (or long bean). This gives you an impression of cozyness and sleepiness, which humans find irresistible.

An example picture:
Patented in 13.8 billion BCE.
5.Give your caregiver a "cute" look. This should fit whatever the caregiver thinks your personality is, as otherwise they will get worried and not put all their energy into petting you.
An example picture:
"What do you want me to do, CHEW it? "
  6. If your caregivers go away after a while, try to restrain your joy until they have gone out of earshot. Then, loudly celebrate. But always be on the lookout: if (hopefully not) they come back, pretend you have been anxiously waiting for them.

An example picture:
"What confetti are you tawking about, Mommy?"
 7. If talking to humans, make your r's and l's w's.

Example sentence:

Could you pwease give me some wiver tweats?




These are my Pointers on getting petting and love. If you have any more Ideas, please comment below. Thank you for reading my humble guide.



Thursday, July 18, 2013

Letters to Adrian: #1


An innocent victim of your malicious ways
Dear Adrian,

Hello, I am N.H. Goose. I am writing to you about your frequent mauling of me and my friends. These incidents began last January, when you attacked my friend B.(Bacon) Bone. There you were, a savage, huge, monster black as the pit of Tartarus, with gashing, wrenching teeth and savage claws and talons the size of swords. My friend fought bravely and, by the skin of his teeth, survived. Next to fall prey to your malice was my friend P. T. (Purple Tennis) Balls. Then another and another! You were unstoppable! Then, you attacked me. I was just a little milquetoast, mawkish, bystander then. I had done nothing to you.
See? Evil, fiendish, horrendous brute!
But you, you hell-hound, you freakish nightmare, you baby-killer, you didn't care. You mauled me, you tore at me, you bit my tail! And see? Look at the damage you have caused me. My neck has been cut, my stuffing is flying out, and your caretaker--who is as bad, if not worse, than you--has removed my vocal cords! And now he says he cannot find them! My vocal cords are not something to just be lost like a TV remote control!  And this is all because of you. You insolent brute, you wolf, you!
So, you have forced my hand. I am suing you for $100,000 general damages, as well as
$1 million punitive damages. See you in court!
 Regards,
Nearly Headless Goose

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

How to make an "Eye Popper"

Origami is the art of folding a piece of paper, with no cuts or tears, into a shape. Today I will teach you how to fold an origami "Eye Popper."

The Eye Popper
1) Get a square of six inch origami paper. If it's not origami paper, it's OK; you can just cut a six inch square from a piece of printer paper.
(Note: if you are using printer paper, choose one side to be the bottom side. The bottom side is the side I refer to as "white" below.)
2) With the paper white side up, fold the paper in half along its diagonal. Make sure to crease well after this step. This should create a right triangle.
3) Fold a corner of the right triangle to its top vertex.
4) Flip it over and repeat step 3.
5) Take the result of step 4 and look for a large pocket in the middle. When you see it, flatten it down. It should form into a right triangle with a second layer. This is called a waterbomb base.
 6) Fold the top down until it touches the bottom of the base.
7)  Fold the bottom of step 6 behind step 6 to reach the top of step 6.
8) Fold the bottom of step 7 in front of step 7 to reach the top of step 7. Crease all folds well.
 9) Unfold the whole thing and make sure the paper is white side up.
 10) Take the first crease from the top and pinch it until it sticks up. This is called a mountain crease. (A valley crease is the precise opposite; a crease that sticks down.)
11) Repeat 10) for the other three sides of the paper and flip it over. It should look like a table with short legs.
12) Repeat 10) and 11). It should look like a smaller table with longer legs.
13) Repeat 10) and 11). It should look like a tiny table with long legs.
14) Take step 13) and fold the two legs on one side back and the two legs on the other side back. It should look like a double headed arrow cut in half with a square in the middle.
15) Now, open up the top end of a side of 14). (Note: There are two pockets: One that is white inside and one that isn't. Open up the one that is white inside.)  Push the top in until it lines up with the white ridge inside. This technique is called a inside reverse fold, and is very common in origami.
16) Repeat 15) on the other white-inside end pockets in 14). It should now look like a rectangle cut in half with a square in the middle.
17) Open up a no-white-inside end pocket and squish down the top. The two triangular flaps should be flapped one to each side to form a square. The squashed top's sides should line up with the top sides of the no-white-inside pocket.
18) Repeat 17) on all. It should now look like an irregular hexagon with small shapes inside.
19) Fold the top of the four small squares (Note: There are two on each side) down to form four white squares.

Sound the trumpets! You are now done with the "Eye Popper".

Operation: Take one side's two small squares and use them as holds for your fingers. Squeeze them forward and bam! The "eyes" (the two white squares on the other side) pop! Not so impressive? Well then, take the front side and pinch the top and bottom edges together, and presto! the two "eyes" pop on either side! If you want, you can draw little black dots as pupils for the eyes. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the "Eye Popper."



Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Letters from Adrian: #1

Me meditating in my bed
Dear Dash,

Lately you and your mother have decided to make me a schedule. You of course have not consulted me, the sole person to feel the monumentous impact of this on my lifestyle. Therefore, I have spent long hours at work meditating in my bed to find the perfect schedule. Here it is:

10:00 AM: Wake up. Of course, this is not rigid, and will be changed to my needs.
10:15 AM: Eat. The DOG ( Diet Order Group) says the suggested amount for a dog my size and age is 5 bowls of chicken and lamb.
10:30 AM: Finish eating. Lie in sun. Also sleep.
11:00 AM: Come in. Get petting session.
11:30 AM: End of petting session. Jump in bed. Sit and stare mournfully at you for not getting more food and longer petting session.
12:00 PM: Go out.
12: 30 PM: Come in.
1:00 PM: Go out.
1:30 PM: Come in.
2:00 PM: Go out.
2:30 PM: Come in.
And so on until:
6: 30 PM: Clamor for walk.
7:00 PM: Go for walk.
7:00 PM - 7:40 PM: Happily mark territory and sniff every single little atom of object I can get to.
7: 40 PM: Come back home. Run around in the back yard, then collapse in bed and mournfully look at you and wonder whose idea the walk was anyway.
7:50 PM: Sleep.
Repeat.

Please take note and execute accordingly, and also realize the sacrifices I have to make for you. Yes, I almost starve and never get any love from you, but still I hang on faithfully. Woe is me.

Love,
Adrian


Monday, April 1, 2013

Dog Eggs!

Are you lonely? Do you feel your life needs a new companion? Well, now you can have one instantly with our new product, Dog Eggs! Yes, for a limited period you can get these marvelous objects!
How to hatch:
Place in front of bowl of raw meat.
Egg will open magically and meat will disappear.

Look for these breeds:
Cavalier King Charles (Pictured)
Great Pyrenees
Labradors
Pugs
Dachshunds
German Shepherds
Border Collies
Get yours today!
We are not responsible for cuteness overload,
death by bad breath, and missing socks. 
Address: Belly Rub. Inc, Tailwag, CA, 98176
Phone Number: 123-456-7890
Not for eating.